Connections

Connections

Travel on multiple paths

Filling in

Incomplete halves

Making wholes out of emotions

Restructuring erosions

Some paths are broken

Left unspoken 

Assumptions lay open

Denial in what was awoken

Human capacitation

Trespassing a boundary

Losing grip by grip

Like a weakened calvary

Fleeting through glass for a cause

Not geared to accept the cause

Glance at your reflection

Attention deprivation

Control

Is a form of disrespect

Disregarding the feelings of others

Is deep neglect

Persuasion for self desire

Imbalance situations

Like ignoring rejection

Self mutilation

Connections

Cherish them at high value

Shield, love, nurture

Full force the volume

I was born in September

I was born in September

on the 19th to be exact

to a mother with almond eyes

and a father who could sing the blues

 

I was born in September

in the late hours of the night

As the wind crept through the window

my parents held me and stared at the moonlight

 

I was born in September

but not early enough in the month

which made me younger than my peers

forcing me to be tough

 

I was born in September

always looking forward to autumn

to count the color of the leaves

a representation of my moods of solemn

 

I was born in September

Life was never secure

Judged for the color of my skin

Massive humiliation I endured

 

I was born in September

Same month I chose to be Muslim

A deal locked and sealed

Forever I was to be with Him

 

I was born in September

You thought I was taking about Allah?

I was talking about a being He created

AstaghfiruAllah

 

I was born in September

Same month my cousin got married

I was overjoyed for her union

The same dream I carried

 

I was born in September

same month my first born was conceived

I asked Allah to give me a sign that I was pregnant

I stood up and vomited everywhere

In June I birthed a King!

 

I was born in September

somehow I believed I had superpowers

being pregnant every other spring semester

but I continued to bloom flowers

 

I was born in September

Intelligent yet flawed

I never imagined the outcome

I denied my rise and fall

 

I was born in September

Over a decade has been an illusion

a fantasy destined to be compromised

by an unforeseen intrusion

 

I was born in September

my life is not the same

no one seems to understand

for that myself I place the blame

 

I was born in September

Yes I remember

all the memories shared

all the sacrifices

all the diaper changes

all the store runs

all the repairs in the home

countless nights of sick kids

walks at the park

family gatherings

Toronto

Atlanta

late night talks

the movies

sliding in the snow

crazy neighbors

 

Yes I remember. . . .

but I’ve lost it all. . . .

I’ve lost it to September. . . .

Shy of October

Acceptance

She accepts

That what once was 

is no more

realizing that the good memories 

perished

Only to be cherished

 

She accepts

That their lives were on two separate paths

One, more religious than the other

Conflicts were endless

 

She accepts

That she was maybe too harsh 

in her approach

Instead of understanding the importance 

of mercy

And making him still feel 

worthy

 

She accepts

That they were not compatible

Just trying to make it work 

Because by then they had a son

 

She accepts 

That countless of years are gone

Closer to 20 than 10 to be exact

They were just a step in each others path 

though the path seemed like forever

 

She accepts

That he’s found who he truly desires

And it has nothing to do with her

Though the other woman is nothing like her

 

She accepts

That she must work harder 

to be a positive influence for his daughters 

so they will understand

That he is their father not just a man

Who has chosen someone who is nothing like them 

to spend the rest of his life with

 

She accepts

That its a possibility that his son

may adopt the same ideology

But she will always love him as his mother

Continuing to strive, holding the torch 

forever proud to be wrapped and covered

KONvert Karey Chapter V

(For full story: KONvert Karey)

It had been nearly two weeks since I had seen or heard from Amir. To be honest, I felt bad about our last encounter, and was avoiding him at all cost. He was hounding a sister too. It seemed like fate was on my side because every time he would come knocking on my door, Derrick wouldn’t be there. I mean this brother worked evenings but was steady calling me all the time. You would’ve thought he had lost his job. He was texting and calling so much, I had to block his number.

Things between myself, and Derrick were getting better. I was feeling so drawn to him lately. He seemed as if he was making an effort towards bringing me into the circle on a public level. He had discussed with his wives about having a family meeting. He said the look on their faces was like, “Oh boy, here we go”. Derrick had just got a job offer paying the most he’d ever made, and maybe they knew the first thing he was going to do was remarry. He started helping out his wives more financially, and was putting in a lot of work taking time with the kids. He deserved to be married again. Deep down, I think they knew it too.

Derrick had been married to both of his wives for 16 years. The first wife had 7 children by him, and the second wife had 5 children by Derrick. He married them 3 months apart. They knew about one another immediately. I’m not sure why it was different with me. They seemed like they all got along pretty well from what he explained. HIs wives usually sold their homemade goods through vending events. They even attended Quran classes at the Masjid. I really hoped that info would have given me a clue to who they were. It seemed like all the sisters at the Masjid were always in groups, and no one ever talked about their husbands. No one! I could never make a clear distinguishment.

I was excited to meet them. Excited to be a part of the family. I had just one issue. Amir. I needed to tell him I was no longer interested. It’s never difficult to tell people how I feel. I’m a strong woman, and I never back down to no one. However, I believe I was being selfish. I was kind of holding onto Amir in distance just in case things didn’t work out with Derrick. Seeing as though Derrick was ready to introduce me to his family, it was really time for me to let Amir go. I’m not really sure why he was clingy to me. I mean, niggas get that work all the time from females. Why would one episode phase him? Maybe it was just that good! Or, his wife was pregnant, and you know what people say: Father’s can feel symptoms as well. I guess! Maybe he was extra emotional, and touchy like a pregnant broad. He could’ve just found another sister, and moved on because I was ready to be a part of one big happy family with Derrick.

It was the day of the big meet. I was feeling so elated. Derrick had told me that he couldn’t wait until the meet to tell his wives so he had already told them. They were just fine with it, and very anxious to meet me. They were going to all pick me up, and we would go out for an evening outing in the city. I was prepared to give a speech to my new sister wives. I had it all planned out. I was going to tell them how honored I was to be a part of the family. I was ready to learn the religion with them. Even though I wasn’t as much of a homemaker as them, I did want my own real estate company, and was working towards getting that together. I was thinking we all could run the business as sister entrepreneurs. I had big plans, big dreams for me, and my sisters.

I told Derrick I was running a little late but would leave the side door open for him. I was getting dressed when I started to feel faint. I could barely put on my pants. The room started spinning, and my head felt like it was going to explode. Before I knew it, I was on the floor. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t move. There was a sense of fear. Then I just lost all consciousness. Once I began to wake up, I could feel that I was still lying on the bathroom floor. It was cold, hard, and my arms wrapped around the toilet. As I was trying to focus my sight, I could hear voices. There were four blurry images standing over me. I reached out my hand, and someone grabbed it. I knew it was Derrick’s hand because he has the most softest hands and I could smell his Oudh oil. Still trying to regain my sight, I could hear voices continuously asking me if I was okay. I couldn’t make out the voices though as my head was still ringing. Finally, I regained my eyesight. And hell! I was asking why the Lord didn’t just take me as I laid unconscious on that bathroom floor. Standing above me were Derrick, two of my sister friends Kinza and Hiba, and Amir.

Kinza, was looking at me with tears in her eyes with an expression of disbelief while Hiba was looking like she was ready for me to wake up to tell me what was on her mind. Derrick, well, he was just Derrick. You never could get a proper read on that nigga. However, Amir, my gosh. His expression made me feel the worst, and he wasn’t even my husband. He looked glassy-eyed, and confused. My guess was that Amir showed up as Derrick, and my sister wives showed up, and they all rolled in Karey’s Kingdom together. All I kept thinking was why? Why me? Why this? And why the hell did I faint?

Cupcakes and Strawberry Milk

Yesterday my grandma almost choked me to death. The reason is beyond me. For the most part, I do what I’m told, but I admit that I’m a thirteen-year-old girl who just wants to have fun with my friends. Grandma has been under a lot of stress lately so she says or rather yells while directing me to pick up my coat off the floor. It’s never my intention to carelessly throw my coat on the floor, which I usually do after arriving from school. Grandma’s stress is mostly tied to my Dad’s infatuation with work. He’s also under a lot of stress since my mom left us a year ago. Working calms his nerves, and fills the void of single parenthood. The hours that Daddy work are so weird; how can he leave for work before I have to be at school, and not return home until I’m in bed for the night? All these hours worked, and he still doesn’t help Grandma with half the rent.

 

Its chore day Saturday! Yippy. Well. . .not yippy to chore day Saturday, but Mrs. Chisel who lives down the street promised to give out free vanilla cupcakes, and strawberry milk to the kids on the street who shows her a good report card. She’s an old lady who loves children, although she doesn’t have any of her own. Every year, she does something special for us, but this has got to be her best reward yet. Report cards were sent out last week; three A’s and four B’s for me. I’m going to get my snack! I can do my chores later. Besides, it’s only sweeping, and mopping the kitchen. It’s pretty early, so Grandma’s still sleeping. I need to make sure I don’t disturb her. She’s pretty keen on people NOT waking her up, and the security alarm makes an annoying beeping sound when decoded. I’ll just leave out the window.

 

My next door neighbor Charlie is pretty smart too. I’m sure he has a good report card, so I’ll remind him of Mrs. Chisel’s reward. Charlie, and I aren’t really close friends, but what kids doesn’t deserve goodies for hard work? As I’m walking around Charlie’s house, I see a big window inner-trimmed in blue, with a sticker of our school’s Tiger mascot on it. Yeah, this is Charlie’s window. He plays basketball for our school. I knock at the window a couple times but no one opens the shades. Please let this be Charlie’s window. I sure hope this isn’t his mom’s window. She’s light weight mean like Grandma. It could be though. Maybe she has a thing for blue mascots. Oh great, it’s Charlie!

 

“Hey Jewel! What’s wrong?” “Nothing. I was hoping this was your window.” “Yeah it is.” “Did you know Mrs. Chisel is giving out goodies to. . .. “Yep, and I’m cool.” “Your cool?” “I don’t do sugar that much.” “Charlie, who doesn’t eat cupcakes?” “Me.” “Ok then, see you around then Charles.” “It’s Charlie”. “Okay, later Chuck.”

 

What a waste of time I can’t get back. Who doesn’t eat sugar? Why was he looking at me up and down like a weirdo? The worst part is I totally looked like a stalker trying to be cool. It’s not warm out here. These pajamas are super thin. I should’ve grabbed my windbreaker.

 

Wow, I can see more people down there than I thought it would be. Its not even 10 o’clock yet. Ok, let me make a run for it. Mmm, she must’ve just pulled those cupcakes out of the oven. The smell is getting stronger as I get closer.

 

This line is too long, and half these kids in it never get good grades. This is so whack, please hurry – I need to get back home.

 

Finally, mmm. Yes, these were worth the wait. . . a 20-minute wait. Mrs. Chisel didn’t say they were going to have sprinkles on them. Double plus! Oh. . . oh my! These cupcakes are so good, walking is difficult.

 

Grandma? Why is she on the porch?

 

Grandma was on the porch with her hands on her full curvy hips, watching me as I walked up the stairs. She looked so mad; it appeared as if her wrinkles in her face were pumping with blood. Why were we just standing there looking at one another? The answer was beyond me. I would’ve said something but. . . I was afraid of what she might say back. As she turned to walk in the house, I knew immediately to follow her lead. The door was already open, but for some reason, she felt the urge to give it a push, Beowulf style; so forceful, its impact left a door knob hole in the wall behind it.

 

As I began to get my other foot in the door, she grabbed me behind my head, and took advantage of my 90-pound 5’0 frame with a push-slam combination on my body. After landing on the living room floor, she latched her thick fingers around my short, coarse ponytail, and dragged me towards the kitchen. I tried to fight back by kicking, punching with my strawberry milk, and scratching the life out of her. I even spat in her face a few times. Grandma’s strength overpowered me. Once we got to the kitchen, and the dragging stopped, I knew why she was so angry. Grandma let me head go so hard, my forehead bounced off the dirty floor, causing a quick massive headache, adding to the pain I was already feeling from her pulling my hair.

 

“You gonna clean this kitchen you black hefa. You hear me? You hear me hefa?”

 

The pain was so excruciating; I couldn’t even get up. Raising my nose off the floor seemed like a challenge that Grandma didn’t take lightly. She knelt down. Turned my head towards her foot, and leaned her head to the side in order to make eye contact.

 

“What’s today Jewel?” “Saturday?” “What are you suppose to do on Saturday’s Jewel?” “Clean the kitchen?” “Then why isn’t my kitchen clean? It is after all Saturday.” Right?

 

It was so hard for me to get my thoughts together. Pain, fear, and the after- taste of cupcakes over conquered Grandma’s interrogation. There was no answering her questions. She must have taken this as an insult, as she turned over my whole body by my left arm. There was no idea of what she would do next, anything was definitely possible.

Grandma, who was probably 3 times my size, sat on top of me, and put her hands on her hips. She continued to ask questions like why I undermine her, and where is my disrespect coming from. Simply, there was no answer. Not that I was being ignorant, I could’ve told her that I had only stepped out for for a moment to get my reward from Mrs. Chisel, and that I was going to clean the kitchen once I got back, but now, a lack of inhalation added to the headache. Grandma had wrapped her hands around my small neck and began to choke me.

 

The room filled with a sudden silence, and slowly I began to become a part of this peace. Numbness was setting in, starting with my lower body. The feeling was strange. At one point, my legs were kicking as I tried to fight the choke, then unwillingly, they gave up. My stomach, Grandma’s resting place, became immune to her stockiness. Once my chest began to feel caved in, the fear was calm. It was over for me. I knew this, so I accepted. The last memory of this horrible ordeal, in which I actually enjoyed, was the blurring of sight; with each level of blur, Grandma disappeared, creating a sense of assurance that my next life would be free of her.

 

Where am I? This pain. At least I can stand up. The sun is down. Where’s a light? Dizziness. Holding my head makes it better. I should probably lie down. Not the couch. Grandma’s there sleeping. I’ll just sit at the kitchen table, and drink my strawberry milk. The microwave. Its’ 9:47. Daddy will be home soon.

 

We!

Dedicated to a woman I know that is deserving of all the good in this world. I see your light.

We. . .

We stand
barring the pain of the world
its deception
its ungratefulness
its selfishness

We stand
in a continuous effort
to mend
to satisfy
to rebuild

We stand
alone in our mental
fighting
crying
hoping

That the wounds
old, new, and forever
and the heart
shattered, beating but lifeless
will heal

We are demanded
to silence ourselves

We are demanded
to accept

We are demanded
to forgive

We are demanded
to forget

We stay the course
. . . even if it destroys us

Yet and still
even in the death of our stability
We continue to bare the pain

 

From Side Chic, to Main Chic, to Irrelevant

From one woman to another.
My dear friend,
Please don’t be offended!
It is just a reminder.

How you gain him,
is how you will either lose him
or keep him.

You are frustrated with life,
frustrated with him.
But you really should be frustrated with yourself.

Are you surprised
by his actions of flirtatiousness,
infidelity,
selfishness?

You shouldn’t be!

Did you really think
that so many years invested in that man
would change his ways?

Did you think
so many years,
so many memories,
so many sacrifices
would place you in a category
more elite than the “others”?

Never my friend!
Remember how it began!

You were so excited
to tell me that you found
“the one”.

Over and over though,
I told you he was married.

Over and over though,
you reassured me
they weren’t happy.

Over and over though,
I reminded you
that it didn’t matter.

Over and over though,
you ignored me!

I remember the conversation
so vividly.
Don’t you remember?

How the ink of that man’s divorce
wasn’t even dry on the paper?
You sat on his steps
as his now ex-wife broke into what use to be
“her” window
with frantic screams of why?

You said she bled
and that nigga didn’t help her.
All signs of his lack of sympathy
for a woman’s heart.

She wasn’t crazy,
just torn.
She put in 10 long years
only to be replaced without notice.

Well damn.
My friend,
its been 10 years for yourself
and now
you’re being replaced.

Maybe that nigga gotta 10 year expiration date!

You’re frustrated.
I know!
You realize
that man never stopped loving
that woman.

He told you he saw her somewhere,
and she lost weight,
and was looking “good”.
That was the first sign.
All I could think of was,
“And so it begins girlfriend!”

You let me see
how he messaged her on her birthday
talking about he remembers when she was 18.                                                                                       Another message saying he misses her family.

You later update me.
He deleted their entire chat thread.
You wonder what else was discussed.

You showed all her photos.
That nigga “Likes” ALL of her photos.
All of them.

I wasn’t surprised.
You were though.
Sitting there crying.
Counting the “others”.
Pointing out their attributes.
Comparing yourself.
Asking why.

Why what?

It was a sort of a blur for me.
I really zoned out a few times.
I was imagining myself as a wasp
walking across your shoulders.
Stinging you to see
if you would realize
the pain you caused that woman.

10 years later,
you say she’s still single,
no kids,
and her ex-husband,
your man
is having conversations with her
like he never left!

You’ve found yourself in a “Dr. Foster” situation,
and you’re in disbelief?

Remember how you arrived,
proceed to exit,
and gracefully bow out.

You went from Side Chic,
to Main Chic,
to Irrelevant.

Torch

Although you think you are worthless, weak, unattractive, a bump on a log; chances are, you’re probably not.

You’ve traveled through muddy waters, into pure seas cleansed by crystals.

A hard life raised upon, never forgotten, shaped you forever, so you doubt yourself, and accept others tormenting opinions about yourself, unable to notice the good!

Skin as dark as night, stomach showing proof of multiple lives that’s moved through it, butt as flat as perfect ground.

You feel like a failed wife, insufficient. Able to maintain the children, but fail to maintain His happiness. And so he plans to move on.

Regardless of your tears, your fears, feeling like a waste of his years, he remains strong and steadfast on what He. . . believe is right!

But remember you have little ones. Who will love you forever. Who will look up to you forever. Who will remember you forever. You can be their light to the straight path with God’s blessing.

They, will pray for you once you reach your grave. So be good to them. Strong for them. Hold them. Let them see that you. . . CAN! And that you. . . WILL! Survive this thing call replacement.

Teach your son to never break his wife’s heart for woman was made from a part of the man’s rib. He mends her! Love her. All of her. She is a reflection of. . . Him!

Teach your daughters to be strong in knowing and demanding their rights as beautiful women of Islam. To NEVER, settle for less or THINK, they have to!

Teach all of them to attain knowledge to its fullest. Act upon it! To walk with both feet on the ground, relying on God. To never forget their purpose in this life. To know that there is life after it! Strive for it!

See! You are not. . . worthless. . . weak. . . unattractive. . . a bump, on a log. You are a believer, with a purpose. So stand. Head held high. Shoulders aligned. Carry the torch. You have a pact to lead. God will give you the strength!

Waiting

You notice

this new profound him.

So eager to love.

So poised with caring words.

He wants your time.

Seems as if he craves it.

Your mind questions constantly.

Where has it come from?

Where was it all along?

How long does it intend on staying?

His idea?

Or the idea of someone else’s?

You feel confused.

Even weird at times.

You don’t know rather to melt

or proceed with caution.

Whats the catch,

the end game?

Are you being sweetened up

to be soured down?

You wonder

has he really realized your worth…

the dominance of the history…

your commitment…

your loyalty…

your strength to recognize

that you deserve the best

nothing less.

And so you wait.

You enjoy this new profound him

but you wait.

And you wait.

You are just waiting.

Roller Coaster Love

Rising to the stars
Fire deep within
Grasping the light
Holding firm in the wind
Tumbling with thoughts
Seconds of loneliness
Wavering chills
Loosing consciousness
Roses on Monday
The lake on Tuesday
Confusion on Wednesday
Sleep Thursday to Sunday
Remembering the good
Embracing the moment
Remembering the past
Of the other woman
Reading through old letters
Smiling over the beginning
Packing up useless things
Accepting possible endings
Realizing change ahead
All for the best
Goodbye kisses for the day
Love is the greatest test